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Been Awhile My Angel
My Dearest Angel Zack Attack
It's been a bit since I have written anything on your website. Still haven't came to terms with all that Life has handed me myself & I deal with a daily line of questions from Toni & Samantha your older sisters. They ask daily why God took You home to be with him. Also they are into they want to go to Heaven to be with You. I have to tell them that I better go to Heaven before they do. Life was altered badly the day God took You home to be with him. I couldn't tolerate let alone deal with losing another Baby. Zack You are always on my mind no matter what. I went & cleaned Your Garden where You rest Wednesday morning. All I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball & cry my eyes out,but I didn't . My ma said that my daddy told her that I was his strong one in the family & I'm not I'm hurting to bad. She had the nerve to tell me that I need to Let You Go & Move On. Zack I could never let You go. You are my Baby Angel Boy. Yes I know Life goes on but I'm still stuck in a rut. So many parts of Life makes no sense. I'm still strong if I wasn't I'd of already vanished but I haven't I'm sitting here right now breathing & typing my Heart out to You My Angel. I tell Every One I Have 4 Kids & You All are Mine. I know I don't have to go into detail on that aspect as You know what I mean by that. I did make You a new Picture with a Footprints In The Sand Poster. Another thing my ma tried telling me was I had to go to church to get God to listen to me which I know isn't the Truth. God listens no matter where we are. Not every thing is gonna make sense I know this I have lived most of my life not understanding why things happen as they have. I would be smart to sum people & say that I lost Faith when God took You but I really di8dn't I was just hurt as I still am to this day. But My Faith is still as strong today as it was when I was a little Girl going to Church speaking with God. I have Faith he'll get me through all my ups & downs & I draw in the strength daily knowing I have all 4 of You Kids. Toni & Sammy haven't grasped the concept that You are in their Heart. They say You kick them, push them down a lot of little kid things. But let them all see a butterfly & they all Yell My Baby Angel Brother's sending Us all Kisses. It's still hard knowing a Huge chapter in my Life as faded off with the Loss of You Baby. Seeing all 3 older siblings still gets me & I wonder what You'd be doing right now if You'd be alive. Still don't do Bye's & get upset when people say it to me as it's still way to Final. Cya is my saying & most people I explain that to. Your song on Your site is so True & Fitting to Life as What You'd be Today & Who You'd be Today. Well Mommy better get to closing this & I'm gonna put the picture I made on here as well as it's already in the photo album on here. I Love You My Angel Baby Boy Zack Attack Eternal Hugs & Kisses from me & Your older Siblings.
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Happy Birthday & I Miss U More then Ever
My dearest Baby Boy,
Today is your Birthday & I haven't been to sleep. I Love & Miss You so Much. This pain is so unbearable. I don't know what to do the last few days all I have done is cry & cry. I can't stop it. You are my Miracle Baby the Baby they said I couldn't have with out taking Medicine to help but God said You were mine to have. I wished there was a time machine so I could go back to August 26, 2005 & prevent you from leaving me. Life just isn't fair it Sucks. We will be coming to see you after Ema gets out of work & we are going to release balloons for you. I've been thinking about getting you a small cake that says Happy Birthday Zack on it. I know I won't be able to watch you eat it like I got to with Your other 3 older siblings but I still want to celebrate Your Birth. I will always Love You & You will always be on my mind & In My Heart. Zack You are the First thing on my mind in the morning when I wake up & the Last thing I think of when I go to Bed. I constantly check on Jr., Toni & Samantha while they sleep. I worry so much that I'll lose them too like I did You. There are so many day's I'd much rather be in Heaven with You then I would be here on Earth without You. The Bad part is that Your older Siblings need me here so I can't be with You till God calls me Home. Then I get to Hold You, Cuddle You, Sing to You. I get to watch You do all the Things I should of been able to see here on Earth with You. I had You @ 1:57 am & it's now 6:51am so you are 1 year 4 hours & 54 minutes old. I can see your face & hear your cry since You didn't cry till 2:32 Am this Morning 1 year ago. Zack I Miss You so Much. No matter what I do all I do is Cry it hurts not having you here with Me & the Family. I should be throwing You a party not going to your Final Resting place to release balloons. Darn it all it's not fair. I have Your letter I'm putting on Your Balloon from me & I typed it up on a personalized paper for You & I also put it on Your Tributes on here & in Your Photo album. They say that after 1 year it's suppose to get easier but I don't see where that is true yet. It Hurts worse today then it did about 1 year ago. Well Mommy is stopping for now & I'll write more laterr on. Love Always & Forever Your Mommy
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My Dearest Zack 5/28/06
Hi Baby today is a really emotional day for Mommy. It just plain out right sucks. I didn't get to sleep till after 8Am this moring & bk up off & on. Daddy was grouchy cause I was up. I accidently woke Sammy up when I went into check on her I was scared. So Sammy & toni both woke up & was up till about 7Am & then they fell asleep for about 30 minutes. I have been crying since I woke up I have a ache in my chest & I misss you so very much. We were suppose to go see you today but I guess that isn't going to happen today. Daddy is sleeping now. He has been since about 5Pm. Mommy is just ready to give up Zack. I want to be with you so much. I know your big brother & sisters need me too but I just hurt so Bad & I want to be with you. I'm stilling here cry as I write to you I just can't seem to stop today. No one wants to be around me. Zack I don't understand why God took you from me that day. All I want more then anything and I do mean anything in this World is to have you back alive again. I'd trade my life in a heartbeat for your's any day. I just don't know what to do any more I'm just so lost with out you. I will come see you tomorrow no matter what even if no one else goes with me I will be there. I just hate life any more I feel it's just so pointless to be here when you aren't here with me. I try & keep everything to myself anymore cause all I do when I talk about you or how I feel to any one here they get upset. So I just keep everything bottled up. I haven't been taking my meds either like I'm suppose to I'm so bad when it comes to taking them & always have been. I feel like a coiled up wire that's wrapped so tightly I'm going to snap. I feel like I'm losing it Zack I really do Baby. I try & get through the day as best as I can & just show my tears when no one is around but today there isn't a chance of that they just flow & flow. Mommy is going to find the peom I wrote for you back around Christmas & Write it on here. Ok I better stop writting right now I alreay have a book here. Just wanting to tell you over & over again I LOVE YOU & MISS YOU ALWAYS & SO VERY MUCH. Hugs, Kisses & lots & lots of Mommy's Love sent to Heaven to You.
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To My Precious Miracle Baby My Angel Zack Attack 5/24/06
Hi Mommy's Angel Baby. I miss you so much. These months are only getting harder on me. I can't help but think of you all the time. I remember the day I had you all so well. I remember the time we got to have together like it was just yesterday. It was just way to short. It's so hard to beleive in just short of 2 months you will be 1 year old already. I want to be able to hold you in my arms like I used to be able to do. It's coming up on on the 26th soon & it means another month with out you. It'll be 9 months since you passed away. I fixed my anklet that I made for me in your memory today. Toni broke it on accident & I just haven't had much strength to get it done. It's not the physical strength I'm lacking it's the mental. I go through each day & it's so hard. I've met so many caring Families & I care about them all. Mommy has always had a Huge heart no matter what. I just hurt so much since the day you passed away. I don't really want to do anything any more I want to be able to take care of you & help all these caring Families. I have been having problems sleeping again & the Dr got onto me & I have to start making sure I take my meds. I have only been getting worse since I stopped taking them completely. I haven't been on here lighting candles for all my other caring angel Families & Angels like I used to. I'm going to try my hardest to get on here & light them like I was doing. Daddy is also absorbing himself into the poker game online here again. Trying to tune out everything again. He don't like to talk about his feelings & it hurts him when I talk about me Missing You so Much. Jr., Toni, & Sam all still talk about you & they love you so much. I made Angel Pins today. I'm wearing two different ones. The first one is of Four Angel ( Jr., Toni, Sam, & You) In order as I had you all. The second one Says Zack & I made you an Angel. I'll make sure I wear them Always. I'm really trying to get through this low rut I'm in but it's so hard. I know wishing on Stars can't & won't bring you back. God how I've done that a million times since the day you passed away. Jr has an Angel Pin & he helped make it for You. He said he wanted his Baby Brother Zack's Angel so he could wear too. I have to remind him that you are always with him no matter what time it is or where he is. He's not having alot of nightmares since I told him you sleep on his pillow right by him when he sleeps. That has helped him out so much. Your Big sisters constantly point up to the sky & say Zack Attack is in Heaven. That always brings a tear to my eye. I try not to show them how Much I hurt. It gets so hard to do when all I want to do is cry all the time. I still don't understand why God needed you more then I do. I know that is one thing I will never understand as long as I live. I worry so much about your Big Brother & Sisters. I couldn't handle losing another child. This Heartache is so unbearable. Daddy done went to bed he seen me writing to you & me crying so off he went. I try & let my tears fall freely at night while Jr., Toni & Sam are all sound asleep. I check on them off & on all night long. I'll always have our time together to chersih but I have to make it enough till we meet again & then time Will Stand Still For Us. Mommy has been doing her crafts for babies who have passed away & also I'm starting a few new ones for a few Special Familes I've meet online here. I've been thinking of doing a care package & taking it to the Hospital by us & it's also the same Hospital that pronounced you were passed away. I find it hard to say certain words any more they only make me cry that much more. I want to bring awareness to these newly greiving parents that they aren't alone on this sad journey that we are on. There are other parents out there grieving too. I know the Hospital never Did anything for us and I want to Bring awareness to these parents & try & help them out. I just find it so hard most of the time. I panick any time I have to go in that Hospital or even close to it. I'll never go Back to the Hospital I had you at no matter what. I still feel I lost you do to there neglect of doing the proper tests on you. I want them to pay so badly for the Hurt & Harm they caused You & Us. I just want you Back with me so badly & until they day I too go to Heaven that won't be. I know you have plenty of Company to keep you safe but It's NOT ME. I was suppose to be able to do my job & keep you safe but I couldn't you left me to go to Heaven. I know God is protecting you now but darn it all I want you bak with me & our family so Bad. I want to yell at the Nurses & Dr at that Hospital & tell them that due to their stupididty & not listening to me & them passing things off that they are part of the reason I lost you. Every one tried telling me that this Hospital was the Best & I beg to differ. Zack they lieed on your Medical Records Baby. They said it only took a minute to Bring you back & it took from 1:57Am when I had you till they handed you to me at 2:32Am to get you Breathing. You were so Black & Blue but I didn't care you were Breathing & I was holding you. They also said that at 8Am that morning that Daddy & I were both consoling you & Daddy was at home he left & went to work after I had you & he knew you were breathing & took a few pictures With his Cell. I'm so glad he had that on his phone. I have the pictures to prove that They Neglected you. I went & seen our Family Dr Friday & on the elevator up to his office there was a Mother & her Daughter on the elevator too. They seen my necklace I always wear & asked what it said cause it has a lot of words on it they said. I told them & the Mother told her Daughter that it was for my Dead Son. Then they acted like I had the plague or something & stopped right after we all got off teh elevator. They came into the same Dr's office & stayed way clear of me. That hurt me so badly. The Nurse when she called me back also put me across from the Baby weigh station & there was quite a few Babies there that day. I broke down & cried the whole time. I hear those Babies crying & that's all I could do myself I miss your Cry. Seeing your face all the little Things I've always cherished about you. Well Mommy has written you a book here so I'm closing for now & I'll write you again soon. Sending My love Up to You In Heaven. Hugs & Kisses & All our Luv to you. Sweet Dreams My Beautiful Precious Angel Baby Boy.
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To My Precious Angel Zack 5/10/06
Hello My Precious. It has been a few days since I have wrote to you. Here is the latest. Here soon Mommy , Daddy, and we'll have 3 other plots bought & paid for right next to You. I know it seems odd to be happy about that but I now Know that no one else can have the spots by You. When I go to Join You in Heaven I will be buried right next to You. That is the only way they got me to leave the cemetary the day of Your Funeral. I hate the Fact that You are buried in the cold hard ground. I want You alive and with me again. There are so many rude people in this world any more. People who have never Suffered Losing a Very Much Loved & Cared about Child who say that yoou should just get over it and go on with your life. I feel like if they lost an arm or a leg or eye would you just get on with your loss. If they lost a child I know they would be distraught too. I hate going out to stores or most places because all there is is Babies every where and All I want Is You Back With Me. Well Mommy is really tired and I'm about to go to bed. Love You With All My Heart. Sweet Dreams my Precious Angel Son.
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To My Precious Angel Son 5/6/06
 Hello Mommy's Precious. I miss you so much and it hurts waking up knowing I won't see your beautiful face. I don't understand why I had to lose you. A huge part of me went with you the day you passed away and then we had to bury you and another part of me went with you all over again. I look at your pictures we have of you daily. I think about you every sec of the day. You are the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up. I live my day knowing I have to make you proud of me for that I can't give up no matter what. I need to do so many things but I'm just not ready to yet. I have planted your garden so I can not offically say your garden instead of your grave. I hate that word it makes every thing so final and I don't want to have to admitt that you are gone from this earth. I know you are but darn it I don't want to have to face it. I hurt so badly yet no one really knows how I really feel. I keep the majority of it closed up inside of me. I share you with every one who will listen to me. I love you more then any one will every really know and all I want more then anything is For You to Be Back Here With Me. I don't understand why good had to choose you to be with him. I need you so badly and he took you home with him. I guess you can say I'm really selfish cause I'd rather you be here with me every day then you being up there were I know it's so beautiful. Your Big Brother & Sisters love talking about you and I hear your name from them more times then I can count any more. I love it Sweety. All my Jewelry I wear I made for you & almost every thing has an Angel charm I made on it too. Toni & Samantha always point to them or touch them and say that's Angel Zack Attack Brother. They have to kiss your pictures on the fridge daily. Sweety i Love You and I know I can never tell you that enough. I'm hurting so bad right now and I miss you. Well Mommy is going to close this up cause I can't see that great and the tears are falling down my face fast. Love You My Precious Angel Son Now & Forever.
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My Dearest Zack Attack
Tomorrow makes 9 months since the day I had you. Then in 6 more days it'll be 8 months since the Day I lost You. Time has been flying by so Quickly. I Miss You so Badly. You are always on My Mind & In My Heart Baby. I have been having such a hard time lately dealing with the fact I lost You and won't be able to see you again till I too get to Heaven. I have done so Much in Your Memory but it's still not enough Baby. The one and Only thing I really Want is You Back. This week Mommy will be designing Your Garden out Front of Our House. I still haven't found An Angel Statue I want to put there Also. Ema has an Angel Statue Chime but Mommy wants to try and find a Little Angel Boy. I wish I was doing these things with You Sweety instead of for you Cause You Are my Heavenly Angel Son now. Mommy is going to put a picture of the Flower Cross I made for you and Tomorrow Which is Friday or By Saturday Your Cross will be at Your Resting Place. I have never said Bye to You and I can't say it to anyone else either. It's never Bye it's CYA because One Day I'll See You Later and Every one else too. Mommy Started making Jewelry months ago for other Angels. It first started off for Us in Memory of You and it has since been done for other Angels too. I have also started making other Memorial crafts too. It just seems like no matter what I do it won't bring You back. I knew it wouldn't but it helps dull the pain alittle bit. I still have Your Blankets right beside the Bed and I talk to you everyday. Our FrontRoom has Crafts hanging everywhere that Mommy has made Sweety. My next big project is to finsh the Necklce for you TeddyBear Headstone. Well Mommy is writinf a book here so i'll close and add the picture of Your Flower Cross I made with Love For U Baby.
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A Heavenly Angel....
Today I went and cleaned your Headstone of all the snow that was on it. I started thinking how cold you must be. I wanted to go get something to put in the ground to warm it up for you. I miss you so much baby and I feel like a failure. I was suppose to be able to protect you and I couldn't. You died silently in my arms August 26th. I wish I could go back to that day and make sure I stay awake and to tell you one more time how much I love You. I wish you never had to die. There is never a day that I don't think about You. I talk about you daily to your sisters and your brother and a few friends that I have. Mommy prays nightly and I ask God to tell you how much I love You, Miss You, and All about Me, Daddy, Your Big Brother and Sisters, and Ema and the rest of the family. Yesterday me and Your Big Brother Jr brought Your teddy bear home until Summer comes again. It had gotten ice on it and I didn't want it to blow away or get burried by the snow. I'm still nurturing you even after you are gone. Well mommy has to go for now I Love You My Precious Son.
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Love You So Much
To Mommy's dearest Zack Attack who is an angel watching over us now. God gave me my miracle baby for 5 short weeks and then took You home to be an angel. I called you my precious angel when I had you and now you are my precious angel watching over me your mommy, daddy, big brother, and your big twin sisters. Although you will be missed you will always be remembered.
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You Left Your Footprints on my Heart
This is dedicated to our baby angel Zack Attack! We only had you for 5 short weeks but you have made an everlasting impression on us and in our hearts. When you came into this world you attacked all our hearts and when you left it you attacked it again and took alot of it with you to heaven. We know you may be gone from this earth physically but spiritually you are still here watching over Mommy, Daddy, Big Brother, your Twins Sisters, and your Ema. We called you our precious angel when you were born and now you really are our precious angel. We think of you as our gaurdian angel who God asked to watch over us. We almost lost you at birth but God said it wasn't your time then, he decided to give us atleast 5 shorts weeks with you. We will always remember your smile, the way you always did that funny face when you were ready to nurse, and how you tried to talk to us.
Love Always, Mommy, Daddy, Big brother Jr., Toni, Samantha, and Ema
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Sweet Angel
 
Hi baby. Mommy is just sitting here thinking about you. I wish you were still here in my arms and we were buying Christmas presents for you also. I can just imagine your little face lighting up from them. This month you will be 5 months old and it'll make 4 months that you have been gone from us. I know that you will still be with us in spirit even though not physically like we wished you'd be. Mommy has put alot of angel ornaments on the tree in dedication to you and your memory. We have a snowman ornament on the small tree with your name on it that Aunt Jenny got for you. She also bought one to go on your headstone so you'll have your decorations there too. I Love You So Much Baby and I Miss You More then any thing in the world. I wish I could go back to the day you died and tell you a million more times I Love You Zack. You are still Mommie's Miracle Baby and I guess God needed you just alittle bit more then We did. There isn't a single second or day that goes by that We don't think about You Zack. This Christmas just won't be the same since this time last year I had just found out I was expecting You My Miracle Baby Boy. I still have nightmares of waking up and finding you dead. God how I Miss You So Much. I wouldn't change the fact that I had you in a million years the only thing I wish I could change was the fact that you died. I also found an angel stocking I'm going to hang on Ema's fireplace with the rest of the family. I feel it's so appropriate since you are now our Angel that We Still Love So Much. I wish your brother knew how to write and type since he wants to rite you so bad. This past week has been a rough one for us all. All three of your older siblings love looking at your pictures and saying your name which I love hearing. Well mommy has to go for now because I'm getting pretty emotional here. I LOVE YOU MY PRECIOUS ZACK ATTACK WITH ALL MOMMIES HEART AND SOUL. You may be my fourth child but mommy loves you all the same no favortism goes out.
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Hi Baby Zack From 10-31-05
Well I haven't wrote you in a few days or so. I've been busy painting & trying to stay sane. Daddy won't let me paint today so I figured I'd write to you. I miss you so much Baby. I wish you were still here. I seen alot of different baby costumes that I thought you would of looked so cute and adorable in. It just made me cry knowing I'll never got to see that on you or a Holloween or any other day with you alive. Well Mommy can't write much and I have to go out for Trick or Treating with the older kids. Love You Baby and Happy Holloween.
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Dear Angel Baby Zack from 10-22-05
Well Today has been a very hard day for me. I Miss You very Much. I try & take care of your older Brother Jr. and older Sisters Toni, & Samantha & it's so hard as it's a constant reminder of all the things I can nolonger do with you or watch you do. I have this really bad ache in my heart since the day you passed away. There are so many day's I'd rather be in heaven with you instead of earth without you. Zack I Love You More then life it's self and without you I've forgotten how to really live. Right now I'm taking life one day at a time. Baby I'd rather be with you so I can hold you in my arms. I hope the other Angel Babies up there are being nice & kindto you. I really wish I could change that day & I hope & pray the you'd be okay and still alive with me. Anything would be better then living my life with out you. Well I just made dinner for everyone & I don't feel like eatting which is the normal since the day you passed away. It seems just like yesterday that I had you but it's already been 3 months and 1 day. In 4 days it'll be 2 months since that fateful day you passed away. I'm not sure if I'll ever get over the fact that you passed away. My Precious Angel, My Miracle Child. It's hard to even go day by day because I know physically you aren't here with me. I keep expecting to hear you cry, wishing this was all a very bad dream that will end but I know it isn't. Well Mommy better go help Daddy feed your sisters okay. Remember Mommy Loves You So.
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Dear Angel From 10-20-05
This is Mommy again. I didn't get to write you the other morning like I had hoped to. I was taking care of your Brother and sisiters. I Miss You so much. I wanted to write a message lastnite on your website but Daddy said I couldn't. So Mommy's writing you now. I'm so glad I got to Have You & Hold You in my Arms & My Heart. You are my Special Baby & You are My Angel. Since You have been gone I don't know how to take life anymore. I hope Mommy's new found Friends' babies are keeping you compnay & you are all ahving fun playing. I can't wait till I get to be with You and Hold You in my arms again. I never thought that God would take anymore children or babies from me or any one else. Mommy has miscarried a few times over the years & I never dreamed I'd lose you too. You are Mommy's Miracle Baby because just when I was told I couldn't get pregnant without Fertility drugs, God decided to Bless me with You. I carried you full term then had you almost 1 week past my DUE DATE for you. Then I gave birth to you. It was a very difficult Birth Baby cause you see your cord was wrapped around your neck twice and they lost you during labor. I lost you at birth and the nurses took almost 40 minutes to bring you back to me. Then Mommy got to bring you home 2 days later but they never did any tests on you to make sure you were fine. Nothing to take home to monitor you with or anything. I got to hold you, nurse you, sleep with you, cuddle, change your butt, I just Love You so much Zack. In a lot of ways Life has lost it's meaning because God took you from me. I'll never understand why he did. I would of traded places in a heartbeat & went instead of you, or I would of went with you. I know everyone says God has a purpose & a reason but geez it sucks and I don't understand it still. I don't understand why god gave me You then took You back away from me.
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In Rememberance from 10-18-05
This Is In Rememberance Of My Precious Angel, My Miracle Baby Boy Zack Attack Moore. Born 7-21-05 & Went To Heaven To Be W/God 8-26-05.
Even though you were only with me for 5 short weeks & all during my whole pregnancy w/you, You are Dearly missed. I never dreamed that you my precious Zack Attack would go to Heaven before Me Your Beloved Mommy. I feel like Garth Brook's song "The Dance". I could of Missed the Pain but I'd of Had To Miss The Dance & that I never would do. I Love You More then Life it's self & I wish you were still In My Loving Arms where I could comfort you & make you smile. I Loved the way you would coo, the way you laughed. When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so Happy. I was over come with joy. Just like that morning before you passed away. I Loved jumping in the back of Ema's Jeep to make You Happy. Seeing your face light up just seeing me. I was trying to hurry ap so I could nurse you. I have felt so guilty for Your Death but I know it's not My Fault, nothing I could of done would of prevented it. I also know that it wasn't from me falling asleep nursing you. I nursed your sister Toni up until 3 or 4 months before I had you My Love. I fell asleep with all 3 of your older siblings & nothing ever happened to them. There is never a second or minute that I don't think about You. I look at Your pictures daily. It is away for me to deal alittle with the pain of losing You. There are days want to be in Heaven right along with You, But I know I'm needed on Earth still & God is saying it's not my time yet. Mommy really can't wait till I get to see You again & Hold You in my Loving Arms. I have dedicated all my profiles to You My Precious Angel Baby. Mommy even made you a Website In Memory of You. ( http://www.geocities.com/mmo269/index.html ). I really like the poem I read the other Day it's called What Makes A Mother. Mommy Misses You so much. I now have a few more pictures of you from when you were alive to go with the ones from your funeral. I haven't been able to go thru your things yet & I'm not giving any of it away either. I'm also not going to wash Your Blue Shorts outfit you wore the day before you passed away. I know you are always with me & when I'm needing you the most & Missing you so you are right here with me. Well Mommy is going to take her meds. & go to bed knowing that you will be lying on my pillow right beside Me & Daddy. You Know I Love You Always. Goodnight My Sweet Precious Angel Baby Zack Attack. I hope to see you in my dreams. Till morning Love You 4-Ever & Eternity.
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